Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Keep Calm and Carry On - um, again.

The Department of Public Morale 
"Regulating God For Your Benefit"

To: Our Countrymen

Cc: Our Foreigners

The only thing to fear is fear.

Your fears are many.  All illusions.   These fears of yours are so silly.

LocalCouncilPhobia - such a silly phobia as we're giving them more powers so you can be free; RockyHorrowShowBritainPhobia; TerroristIdeologyPhobia; SexualDeviancyandGlobalPlaguesHomoPhobia; PornPhobia; SchoolCurriculumPhobia; TheyMakeItUpAsTheyGoAlongLawandOrderPhobia; CoalitionPhobia; SociopathicSexManiacsInGovernmentPhobia....the list goes on you silly people.

Read good literature and overcome your fears.   We produce the finest literature as we recruit the finest minds.  Most Government literature now refer to phobias to help you see how silly they are.  New phobias are being discovered every day, so keep on reading ...the richness of vocabulary of the Cult of Government knows no bounds.

Conquer your fears and victory will be yours.

Or ours, rather - we do like to think what is yours is ours and what is ours was once yours.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

The Planet Google

There I was minding my own business (again) when Google wrote - £75 of adwords free they said ! 

Not really knowing what an adword is I did nothing.

Google obviously thought I was so overwhelmed by their generosity that I was paralysed.

So they wrote again after that offer expired.  £50 of adwords free they said, hoping this time I wouldn't be too blinded by excitement to do nothing.

I did nothing.

Google then wrote apologising for only giving me £20 free and giving me the extra £30.  As if I knew they'd made a mistake.

Well, why not take up their offer I thought?  I could impress my friends who know what an iPod is .

First, I needed to find out what exactly is an Adword.

Here it is:

1.     You give Google your credit card number to buy clicks

2.     You're not told how much these clicks will cost. 

3.     If you ask Google how much exactly are these clicks they'll waffle on about quality and providing value but you'll be none the wiser as to how much their service will cost.  In fact, you could end up feeling rather unsophisticated for having asked how much the thing they're selling is...

4.     If you tell Google you want to limit your spend, not knowing how much is the thing you're buying, Google will say "Of course, how much do you want to spend today?"  Er, and tomorrow ad infinitum...
        At least Microsoft only asked "where do you want to go today" (confusing their software with a bus).

5.     If you fall under Microsoft's bus, your heirs may discover that all your money went to Google.

6.     If you ask Google "How do I prevent my heirs discovering all my money went to you if I fall under a bus?" you'll be directed to a help page that doesn't tell you.

If you ask Google why can't you just have a fixed advertising budget they'll say their click idea will make you so much money you won't care how much they end up charging you.

As it happens my fears were groundless.  My ad wasn't approved.  The FTC approved it, but not Google !

I emailed asking why.  I got a host of really grumpy emails back - it sounded like they thought I was an internet terrorist.

So I phoned asking what specifically had I done to be banned for life after submitting my first ad.

They said Google has a firm policy of not telling their customers anything specific about what the problem is.
They explained that this is to encourage their customers to improve in every aspect of their life, even those that don't give Google any problem.  

Well, fine goals!

Google quite impressed me - they want more than I've ever asked anyone for!

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Dr G's Appendix

Well, just one last post then.

Dr G has mourned the end of the blog.

Doesn't even talk excitedly about the graves he robs whilst his female colleague claims everything she finds is a phallic symbol - even if it's a perfect dodecahedron.

I've been feeling sorry for Dr G.  Left only with the local paper to read run by grockles and owned by the Americans.

Strange people the Americans - they seem more proud at defeating the Redskins than the Redcoats.  How many Cowboy and Redcoat films have you seen?

I shall of course continue to keep Dr G's identity a secret.  After all, I got paranoid when he wanted to acknowledge me in a book published by the aforesaid Americans.  Can't remember what that was about.  As Sherlock Holmes pointed out, you can't remember everything.

I can disclose though that Dr G is political consultant to Rev Roland's Bournemouth Party.

So now, onto Sunday lunch.  I cooked a five meat roast just in case anyone doubted my supremacy over Toby's Carvery.

I handicapped myself by getting it all from the supermarket.  Everything I got said to cook it on the middle shelf! 

How do they expect everything to fit on the middle shelf??!

Saturday, 27 August 2011

This is the Last Blog

If you're British you might like to start at the beginning.

If you're from Google of course, you'll want to start at the End

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Hello World

In The Prisoner – the original, not the recent version, also very creative – No 6 was determined to polish off No 1.

Only he didn’t know who or where No 1 was. One idea at the end was that No 1 was in fact himself.

Now, and a slight digression, in earthly power, as every schoolchild knows, well, they did in my days, ‘All Roads lead to Rome’.

With Britain and America taking on the mantle of Rome, it became important to the Naughty One to convert them into Naughty States to make up for Rome converting to Christianity.

This digression is a sort of obstacle to overcome before I get to the main point. Like in Indiana Jones or that girl one, there’s always obstacles before getting to the treasure.

Mind you, in this case, it has some relevance too.

Double relevance.

So it’s not a digression, which I thought it was when I started writing. Well, there you go.

First, we live in a Rogue West.

There is only one really taboo word that must not be used – the word is Satan.

The taboo only came about as the Christian West turned into the Satanic West, the media daily singing the praises of Satan’s works with the occasional good news story to persuade everyone that the media is human.

This overshadows the Satanic Verses of people with terminally ghastly dress sense - whose power grew in step with the moral decline of government and media in the West. Hardly surprising is it?

Second point, all spiritual writings on evil lead one to oneself.    

The most interesting bit of advice I've come across is from Loyola: "The happiness which I have experienced on learning that the world insults you, has been equalled by my pain at the thought that in adversities you have sought for aid and remedy against the sorrow and affliction they cause you".

Well, it's all about turning problems into opportunities!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Apology to Millipedes

After what I wrote about the millipedes I must apologise really.

They seem quite human compared to the eerie feeling that didn't creep but flopped onto me after watching the upside down man Rupert Murder on telly - shame the custard pie bit didn't come off.

As for someone's Mrs, whom I had warmed to after learning she'd taken the P out of the MP, proud to be an exhibitionist - all homosexuals by definition are exhibitionist if they come out of the closet - all I could think of was her hair.  And the opening of Macbeth.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Debretts Terrorist Etiquette

The Debrett family are the ultimate authority on how a  Englishman should behave.

Their rules of etiquette also extend to the Welsh, Scottish, and Irish.  In theory.

They're not intended to apply to the French -  no Debrett would be impolite enough to write anything intended for the French in English !

No scandal has ever touched the Debrett family, all of whom have been noted for their discretion in their lifestyle.

The Debretts are in order of precedence somewhere above the Queen, who always ensures her tupperware is stacked according to instructions from the Debretts.

The Debretts offer the correct advice on everything in the modern world.  

In fact, aside from the French, there is no-one who could not learn from the Debretts on correct behaviour.

Even terrorists :


In today's Modern World it is only good manners not to discriminate against anyone because of their beliefs - it's bad taste. 

However, as a terrorist you should be aware that important changes in societal attitudes can take a long while to become fully established. Accept that, for some people, terrorism is still challenging and contentious, and try your best to negotiate these reservations.

In any social situation no-one should explicitly ask if you're a terrorist.  However, you can help iron out out any ambiguities by giving people that paranoid stare and shouting to them when asking if they'd like a drink.

If you have been invited to a terrorist party to celebrate a successful hijacking you should, first and foremost, consider the feelings of the terrorists. If you feel uncomfortable don't go - whatever your own beliefs, it is their celebration and they deserve the uncritical approval and happiness of those around them.

Likewise, if you are inviting friends and family to your own terrorist celebration, consider the guest list carefully.

You don't want anyone who might feel uncomfortable there and be potentially terrorphobic to your friends.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Why We Don't Have the Right Kind of Foreigner

NB This post is written as background notes for some Whitehall officials dealing with the problem of the wrong kind of foreigner. It's in green as suggested by Dr G. It's good to see he's making constructive and creative suggestions at last!
In my day, 'foreigner' meant visiting Swedish girl.  Language schools were a fount of visions - French girls, Swiss girls, German girls...foreign girls!

The word 'foreigner' didn't mean someone from the moons of Jupiter, who looked perfectly normal on Ganymede but struggle to keep their form in the different environment here - and regard us as the aliens!  There weren't any.

Now of course, since Britain 'joined' Europe after relinquishing its Empire, there are no Europeans here (East Europeans don't count of course).
Only foreigners who'd been taught to run their their own country!

Clearly, politicians have been at work here.

I suggest the officals' report should recommend abolishing the Home Rule policy of bringing all the natives back home to rule.  It's clearly putting off all the Swedish girls !

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

What Happened to the Village Idiot?

I remember a teacher at school telling us that all the village idiots are now in Parliament, which is why there aren't any in today's villages.

Another teacher suggested that Parliament may as well be full of chimpanzees when a boy asked him what Party he supported.

The laboratory assistant once at the end of a physics lesson came up to us basically explaining that Freud was a perv, love being rather stronger than sex, and hardly meriting the pedestal journalists placed him on. If we'd asked a teacher about Freud, the kindest thing might be a mention that Freud himself admitted that inside he was full of darkness - no doubt why satan's army raised him up so much!

It was the headmaster at the front of the class who first introduced me to the expression 'minds like sewers'. I assumed he was referring to boys' thoughts about girls, as there was a healthy and natural protective culture of jokes about anything faecal - those were the days before paedophile membered charities like Stonewall were welcomed with open arms (and before the mysterious censoring of the fact that most paedophiles are homosexuals).

There was plain speaking - which young minds absorb easier!

Hardly surprising the school in my days had the reputation of being the best in the area.

Of course, today the idea that there are toerags and scum and paedophiles and baby and granny killing supporters at the centre of the Establishment is not something emphasised to children.

At least a tabloid columnist had my kind of education and described MPs - after they supported the most monstrous, deviant sexual child bullies of all time, denying orphans the most basic human right to be cared for by normal people, rather than by deviant adoption workers, willing to force the weakest child to accept homosexuality and to place them in deviant emotional domestic environments, to satisfy the nazi demands of the spiritually depraved and the mentally unbalanced, fully reducing Britain to a rogue State mocking the UN Declaration of Human Rights, which in turn seems to sanction violence against rogue States so we could ask the Taliban to bomb the government - er, as just "pigs".

But then, normal people going into politics have never seemed to carry much weight.

Still, I don't believe everything I was taught at school - I was taught that the most evil man could be redeemed but I can't see how some dank, corrupted souls could be fixed.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Bin Laden Didn't Complain !

The CIA complimented Bin Laden's skills as an 'operative'.

Like staying in the same room for five years so no-one would have time to get a fix on him - perhaps he learned about staying in the same place from Saddam Hussein !

I 'd like to compliment Bin Laden too.  After all, he never complained!

He didn't keep promoting his human rights to practice his religion of killing off the infidels, and didn't keep coming out with stuff like "It's time to stop the hate".

The problem with groups like moderate muslims and political homosexuals is that they like to play the victim card rather than exercise this thing called 'responsibility'.

If you go round worshipping a book that describes christians and jews as the "vilest" creatures on earth for all time as long as they reject Mohammed, so vile that Mohammed's followers who shirked from killing them on command were sent to hell, then you're not going to be terribly popular in the West.  The inhuman mirror you hold claiming your superiority in following Mohammed steeped in blood, reflects on yourself.

Um, however moderate Tony Blair might think you are.

Religion doesn't come into it.


Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Alternative Voting - No Candidate Gets In !!

According to the Electoral Commission's explanations of AV no-one would be elected if the card shuffling ends with no-one getting more than half the cards !

This could mean that in most cases no candidate would be elected, particularly if most people continued to vote as before - for just one candidate.

Sounds a great system !!   After all - look where the voting system got us today.

 Fight satan - Support AV!!!   

Thursday, 17 March 2011

The TV Chef

With the exception of the jovial Keith Floyd, who had such a zest for life, satan must love TV chefs.

The most popular one it seems, also likes to burn the skin on his "perfect" turkey and fish.

TV Chefs certainly have well cooked personalities, from the overdone grin to the charred sulk.  Most also make even 'leaders' of homosexuals seem humble. 

They wouldn't be satan's friends, though, if they didn't get teaching cooking all wrong.

A decent TV cooking programme could have the smart arse chef going into someone's house at random and knocking up something with whatever the cupboards provide, not give out daft shopping lists using up a week's budget in one meal.

To dance in the kitchen one should be able to make a tasty thing or two with virtually whatever is there.

To make a feast one should be able to juggle with whatever took one's fancy in the market.

Cooking is not really about recipes.  It is about a few basic techniques - even then none of them having absolutely definitive methods - and going with the flow of life, or the flow of wine in the chef.

No classic dish in the world has a fixed recipe.  How can cooking be about recipes then?

The TV Chef, though, and the cooking publishing industry, would have everyone believe it's all about recipes.  Recipes - mostly non classic and ephemeral - you need to buy from them to be a complete human being.

Monday, 14 February 2011

Dan Brown, the Taliban, and the da Vinci Code

Could Jesus be executed a second time under the original warrant in the second coming?  This was the legal advice sought by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius in the 2nd century AD.

Aurelius was concerned at the growing power of the Christians. It wasn’t just that they were undermining the  Coalition, sorry, the Senate, by suggesting getting into each others bottoms was wrong. It was because they kept talking about a second coming - Jesus had caused enough sodded problems to Rome in the first coming.

Aurelius couldn't be certain Jesus wouldn't reappear in his reign. After all, Roman enquiries after the crucifixion had led to whatever is Latin for an X-Files mystery. No-one survives a Roman crucifixion! Even without the spear thrusts, leg breaking, and being half beaten to death beforehand. Not only that no corpse had ever disappeared from a tomb that Roman soldiers were guarding (to stop the body from being pinched for political reasons). Then, the Jew had been seen by loads of eye witnesses as well after the crucifixion. Even the sceptic Thomas claimed he’d seen Jesus after the crucifixion.

So Aurelius sought advice from the Jurist known simply as Gaius today. Gaius had just finished writing a fine treatise on Jurisprudence and Roman Law, in an age where law was meaningful because the Germans and French had nothing to do with writing it, like they do with British Law today.

Aurelius asked Gaius to prepare advice on the legal status Jesus would have under Roman Law after coming back from the dead. He also wanted to know whether the original warrant to execute him would still be valid two hundred years later. Aurelius told Gaius to report only to him. So Gaius went off and appended his advice to his manuscript.

Gaius explained in the appendix that although Christians were legally punishable at the time, there was a case for wrongful execution of Jesus Christ.  In this case he wrote that as wrongful execution is the greatest damage the State could do to a person, if that person came back from the dead he could claim the greatest damages - the Emperorship of Rome itself.

This wasn't really what the Emperor wanted to hear.  He wanted to hear that it was legal to invade Iraq, sorry, legal to re-execute the man if he re-appeared.

If the advice leaked out it would have politically strengthened the Christians no end. Aurelius instructed a murderer to kill Gaius after he didn't change his view about invading Iraq, sorry, about re-executing Christ and to destroy the devastating appendix to the treatise. Aurelius could then claim Gaius advised him that the original warrant had no sell by date.

After doing the deed the murderer suffered remorse and hid the last folio containing the devastating advice, together with Gaius's personal notes about his meeting with the Emperor. The advice never reached the Christians who had never thought about Jesus’s legal status and rights following wrongful execution.

They didn’t realise their leader was owed the Emperorship of Rome under Roman jurisprudence.

This advice and Gaius’s personal notes which the murderer kept was lost.  The main part of the treatise was eventually written over by a Christian, as they're not all that bright, and forgotten about - it became a palimpsest.

It was discovered in 1816 when it was noticed that there were layers of writings beneath St Jerome's writing kept in the Cathedral Chapter at Verona.  The lowest level of writing was that lost treatise on Roman Law by Gaius. However, the last folio was missing. The existence of this palimpsest and the lost folio is well known amongst scholars of Ancient Law (see footnote).

The lost folio containing the advice that Jesus was owed the Emperorship of Rome and Gaius's personal notes were eventually found buried at Uruzgan. It was first translated in secret, by a scholarly associate of Muhammad Omar - later know as the ‘Teacher’. He founded the Students – the Taliban. Taliban means ‘student’.

In the battle of faith between the Christians and the Muslims, Omar understood, like Marcus Aurelius before him, the encouragement Christianity would get if the manuscript was made public. Omar destroyed the manuscript, which also inspired Omar to renew Islam to help counter any possible renewal of Christianity,

Dan Brown – who was actually a sort of mini Indiana Jones before becoming famous - stumbled across the content of the manuscript from a ‘student’ visiting the West. The student was later killed in the fighting. Brown was unsure whether the ‘student’ had confessed to the Taliban of his indiscretion. So Dan Brown wrote the Da Vinci Code as a coded message to prevent any potential assassination plot against him-after all he was in possession of the secret that could cause an upsurge in Christianity and end to Islam, the main counter revolution to Christianity.

He used much code in the book. The term ‘Teacher’ was used as code to let them know the book was written for them - to let them know their secret was safe in his hands.  He used the term ‘unworthy ones’ to refer to Americans, whom he made out were so stupid that they would confuse balls Galileo dropped with Newton’s apple. Brown wrote that Newton, rather than Galileo, angered the Vatican and deliberately used other anomalies as code which he knew the intelligent Omar would understand. To make it even clearer the book was intended for them he modelled Robert Langdon on himself, as a scholar in danger in the book  - The Da Vinci Code .

 'Rome' now refers to the Church.        
There was a transfer of power after all........

Note: Details of the discovery of the Gaius palimpsest in 1816 has been taken from the Preface to the Second Edition of the Institutionum Iuris Civilis Commentarii Quatuor (Elements of Roman Law) published in M.DCCC.LXXV (1875) by Oxford University Press. The growth of the Church, centred in Rome, as the Roman Empire declined, is familiar history of course.  

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

British Housewife

Written by a housewife, to her daily newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores in July 2002, and in New York on 11 Sept 2001, and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day in London , and in downtown Manhattan , and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11 and 7/7.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques and behind women and children.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the British media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a British soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take this to the bank:

I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner - who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special food' that is paid for by my taxes - is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, believe me!! you guessed it .......

I don't care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous Behaviour!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world.  Our soldiers don't have that problem.'

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND.......I hope you forward all this.

Only six defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2.  The British Soldier.

3. The Canadian Soldier.

4. The US Soldier, and

5. The Australian Soldier.
6. The Scandinavian Soldiers. 

One died for your soul, the other 5 for your freedom.