Saturday, 25 June 2011

Debretts Terrorist Etiquette

The Debrett family are the ultimate authority on how a  Englishman should behave.

Their rules of etiquette also extend to the Welsh, Scottish, and Irish.  In theory.

They're not intended to apply to the French -  no Debrett would be impolite enough to write anything intended for the French in English !

No scandal has ever touched the Debrett family, all of whom have been noted for their discretion in their lifestyle.

The Debretts are in order of precedence somewhere above the Queen, who always ensures her tupperware is stacked according to instructions from the Debretts.

The Debretts offer the correct advice on everything in the modern world.  

In fact, aside from the French, there is no-one who could not learn from the Debretts on correct behaviour.

Even terrorists :


In today's Modern World it is only good manners not to discriminate against anyone because of their beliefs - it's bad taste. 

However, as a terrorist you should be aware that important changes in societal attitudes can take a long while to become fully established. Accept that, for some people, terrorism is still challenging and contentious, and try your best to negotiate these reservations.

In any social situation no-one should explicitly ask if you're a terrorist.  However, you can help iron out out any ambiguities by giving people that paranoid stare and shouting to them when asking if they'd like a drink.

If you have been invited to a terrorist party to celebrate a successful hijacking you should, first and foremost, consider the feelings of the terrorists. If you feel uncomfortable don't go - whatever your own beliefs, it is their celebration and they deserve the uncritical approval and happiness of those around them.

Likewise, if you are inviting friends and family to your own terrorist celebration, consider the guest list carefully.

You don't want anyone who might feel uncomfortable there and be potentially terrorphobic to your friends.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Why We Don't Have the Right Kind of Foreigner

NB This post is written as background notes for some Whitehall officials dealing with the problem of the wrong kind of foreigner. It's in green as suggested by Dr G. It's good to see he's making constructive and creative suggestions at last!
In my day, 'foreigner' meant visiting Swedish girl.  Language schools were a fount of visions - French girls, Swiss girls, German girls...foreign girls!

The word 'foreigner' didn't mean someone from the moons of Jupiter, who looked perfectly normal on Ganymede but struggle to keep their form in the different environment here - and regard us as the aliens!  There weren't any.

Now of course, since Britain 'joined' Europe after relinquishing its Empire, there are no Europeans here (East Europeans don't count of course).
Only foreigners who'd been taught to run their their own country!

Clearly, politicians have been at work here.

I suggest the officals' report should recommend abolishing the Home Rule policy of bringing all the natives back home to rule.  It's clearly putting off all the Swedish girls !