Saturday, 26 November 2011

The Planet Google

There I was minding my own business (again) when Google wrote - £75 of adwords free they said ! 

Not really knowing what an adword is I did nothing.

Google obviously thought I was so overwhelmed by their generosity that I was paralysed.

So they wrote again after that offer expired.  £50 of adwords free they said, hoping this time I wouldn't be too blinded by excitement to do nothing.

I did nothing.

Google then wrote apologising for only giving me £20 free and giving me the extra £30.  As if I knew they'd made a mistake.

Well, why not take up their offer I thought?  I could impress my friends who know what an iPod is .

First, I needed to find out what exactly is an Adword.

Here it is:

1.     You give Google your credit card number to buy clicks

2.     You're not told how much these clicks will cost. 

3.     If you ask Google how much exactly are these clicks they'll waffle on about quality and providing value but you'll be none the wiser as to how much their service will cost.  In fact, you could end up feeling rather unsophisticated for having asked how much the thing they're selling is...

4.     If you tell Google you want to limit your spend, not knowing how much is the thing you're buying, Google will say "Of course, how much do you want to spend today?"  Er, and tomorrow ad infinitum...
        At least Microsoft only asked "where do you want to go today" (confusing their software with a bus).

5.     If you fall under Microsoft's bus, your heirs may discover that all your money went to Google.

6.     If you ask Google "How do I prevent my heirs discovering all my money went to you if I fall under a bus?" you'll be directed to a help page that doesn't tell you.

If you ask Google why can't you just have a fixed advertising budget they'll say their click idea will make you so much money you won't care how much they end up charging you.

As it happens my fears were groundless.  My ad wasn't approved.  The FTC approved it, but not Google !

I emailed asking why.  I got a host of really grumpy emails back - it sounded like they thought I was an internet terrorist.

So I phoned asking what specifically had I done to be banned for life after submitting my first ad.

They said Google has a firm policy of not telling their customers anything specific about what the problem is.
They explained that this is to encourage their customers to improve in every aspect of their life, even those that don't give Google any problem.  

Well, fine goals!

Google quite impressed me - they want more than I've ever asked anyone for!

1 comment:

  1. You're lucky! At least they didn;t ban you from using the internet which google seems to think it owns - along with everything else in the world, like pictures of every back garden in the world.

    They've treated some customers with real money (sorry rev.)terribly. I read on that 6 figure adword budgets have received no support when things went wrong with no ads appearing.