Rule Britannia (with the Germans)

 

A Tale of Two Empires   

'Empire, Empire' is the key to understanding Britain.

Here's some real history :

BRITISH EMPIRE, n.    Seen as a golden period by the True Brit, when you could just shoot foreigners if they became annoying.

(If you're not a True Brit, just imagine shooting East Europeans speaking at high volume in discordant tones all night when you're trying to get to sleep and you soon will be.)

HOME RULE, n.   The policy of bringing the natives back home to rule.

This policy certainly taught the upstarts a lesson when they demanded Independence.

First, Home Rule taught the upstart natives that their people really did want to be ruled by the British.   Ghandi for example, who believed that God wanted him to rule over half the world because he was a Saint, was certainly taught a lesson. Most of  'his' people left him to be still ruled by the British after 'Independence' whilst those who stayed behind shot him!

Second, Home Rule made DAMN sure that the upstarts never really became Independent by

-    Creating an eternal identity crisis - 'Er, are we a new nation or are we British as most of us seem to be?'

-    Encouraging anyone with money or entrepreneurial flair to ditch their country by coming here.  That way they'd never get on their own two feet and have to apply for international dole money, thus showing what bums they really are.

It was only the incredible ego of  trouble making foreigners that made them believe that they could challenge the British Empire AND GET AWAY WITH IT.



The Home Rule policy was so successful that it was applied to many who had never been ruled over in the first place.

The Home Rule policy was costly of course.  Still, only the British people had to pay - but they're trained to so that's alright.


NEO-COLONIALISM, n.    British Empire Part 2 or The Second British Empire. That is, the Home Rule phase of the British Empire with the natives being brought back home to rule, coupled with the Fourth Reich (see below).

The new thinking is that it is right to have wanted Britain out of Africa and Asia but wrong to want Africa and Asia out of  Britain, and that it was right to have wanted old Germany out of Poland but wrong to want, er, new Germany out of Poland.

It is considered bad form, though, to sing "Rule Us, Britannia" in Indian restaurants or "Auschwitz is dead, long live Germany" on any BBC programme..



FOURTH REICH,  n.    After the war Germany told Britain "Don't be so cocky.  We've lost our third Empire or Reich but you're losing yours you bunch of losers too.  Look, we've both lost our Girls. We're turning to self abuse by turning Europe itself into an Empire with our people as the natives.  We've got to use them for something now that we've stopped getting them to kill each other.
Other countries thought this was brilliant too. "How do we sell it to our natives?" one asked.

"Easy" said Germany "We'll tell them how naughty we've all been".