The Planet Google

  
There I was minding my own business (again) when Google wrote - £75 of adwords free they said ! 

Not really knowing what an adword is I did nothing.

Google obviously thought I was so overwhelmed by their generosity that I was paralysed.

So they wrote again after that offer expired.  £50 of adwords free they said, hoping this time I wouldn't be too blinded by excitement to do nothing.

I did nothing.

Google then wrote apologising for only giving me £20 free and giving me the extra £30.  As if I knew they'd made a mistake.

Well, why not take up their offer I thought?  I could impress my friends who know what an iPod is .

First, I needed to find out what exactly is an Adword.

Here it is:

1.     You give Google your credit card number to buy clicks

2.     You're not told how much these clicks will cost. 

3.     If you ask Google how much exactly are these clicks they'll waffle on about quality and providing value but you'll be none the wiser as to how much their service will cost.  In fact, you could end up feeling rather unsophisticated for having asked how much the thing they're selling is...

4.     If you tell Google you want to limit your spend, not knowing how much is the thing you're buying, Google will say "Of course, how much do you want to spend today?"  Er, and tomorrow ad infinitum...
  
        At least Microsoft only asked "where do you want to go today" (confusing their software with a bus).

5.     If you fall under Microsoft's bus, your heirs may discover that all your money went to Google.

6.     If you ask Google "How do I prevent my heirs discovering all my money went to you if I fall under a bus?" you'll be directed to a help page that doesn't tell you.

If you ask Google why can't you just have a fixed advertising budget they'll say their click idea will make you so much money you won't care how much they end up charging you.

As it happens my fears were groundless.  My ad wasn't approved.  The FTC approved it, but not Google !

I emailed asking why.  I got a host of really grumpy emails back - it sounded like they thought I was an internet terrorist.

So I phoned asking what specifically had I done to be banned for life after submitting my first ad.

They said Google has a firm policy of not telling their customers anything specific about what the problem is.
They explained that this is to encourage their customers to improve in every aspect of their life, even those that don't give Google any problem.  

Well, fine goals!

Google quite impressed me - they want more than I've ever asked anyone for!
 
 

Dr G's Appendix

 
Well, just one last post then.

Dr G has mourned the end of the blog.

Doesn't even talk excitedly about the graves he robs whilst his female colleague claims everything she finds is a phallic symbol - even if it's a perfect dodecahedron.

I've been feeling sorry for Dr G.  Left only with the local paper to read run by grockles and owned by the Americans.

Strange people the Americans - they seem more proud at defeating the Redskins than the Redcoats.  How many Cowboy and Redcoat films have you seen?

I shall of course continue to keep Dr G's identity a secret.  After all, I got paranoid when he wanted to acknowledge me in a book published by the aforesaid Americans.  Can't remember what that was about.  As Sherlock Holmes pointed out, you can't remember everything.

I can disclose though that Dr G is political consultant to Rev Roland's Bournemouth Party.

So now, onto Sunday lunch.  I cooked a five meat roast just in case anyone doubted my supremacy over Toby's Carvery.

I handicapped myself by getting it all from the supermarket.  Everything I got said to cook it on the middle shelf! 

How do they expect everything to fit on the middle shelf??!
    

This is the Last Blog

 
If you're British you might like to start at the beginning.

If you're from Google of course, you'll want to start at the End
  

Hello World

   
In The Prisoner – the original, not the recent version, also very creative – No 6 was determined to polish off No 1.

Only he didn’t know who or where No 1 was. One idea at the end was that No 1 was in fact himself.

Now, and a slight digression, in earthly power, as every schoolchild knows, well, they did in my days, ‘All Roads lead to Rome’.

With Britain and America taking on the mantle of Rome, it became important to the Naughty One to convert them into Naughty States to make up for Rome converting to Christianity.

This digression is a sort of obstacle to overcome before I get to the main point. Like in Indiana Jones or that girl one, there’s always obstacles before getting to the treasure.

Mind you, in this case, it has some relevance too.

Double relevance.

So it’s not a digression, which I thought it was when I started writing. Well, there you go.

First, we live in a Rogue West.

There is only one really taboo word that must not be used – the word is Satan.

The taboo only came about as the Christian West turned into the Satanic West, the media daily singing the praises of Satan’s works with the occasional good news story to persuade everyone that the media is human.

This overshadows the Satanic Verses of people with terminally ghastly dress sense - whose power grew in step with the moral decline of government and media in the West. Hardly surprising is it?

Second point, all spiritual writings on evil lead one to oneself.    
  
The most interesting bit of advice I've come across is from Loyola: "The happiness which I have experienced on learning that the world insults you, has been equalled by my pain at the thought that in adversities you have sought for aid and remedy against the sorrow and affliction they cause you".

  
Well, it's all about turning problems into opportunities!
    

Apology to Millipedes

   
After what I wrote about the millipedes I must apologise really.

They seem quite human compared to the eerie feeling that didn't creep but flopped onto me after watching the upside down man Rupert Murder on telly - shame the custard pie bit didn't come off.

As for someone's Mrs, whom I had warmed to after learning she'd taken the P out of the MP, proud to be an exhibitionist - all homosexuals by definition are exhibitionist if they come out of the closet - all I could think of was her hair.  And the opening of Macbeth.
  
 

Debretts Terrorist Etiquette

 
The Debrett family are the ultimate authority on how a  Englishman should behave.

Their rules of etiquette also extend to the Welsh, Scottish, and Irish.  In theory.

They're not intended to apply to the French -  no Debrett would be impolite enough to write anything intended for the French in English !

No scandal has ever touched the Debrett family, all of whom have been noted for their discretion in their lifestyle.

The Debretts are in order of precedence somewhere above the Queen, who always ensures her tupperware is stacked according to instructions from the Debretts.

The Debretts offer the correct advice on everything in the modern world.  

In fact, aside from the French, there is no-one who could not learn from the Debretts on correct behaviour.

Even terrorists :

DEBRETTS TERRORIST ETIQUETTE

In today's Modern World it is only good manners not to discriminate against anyone because of their beliefs - it's bad taste. 

However, as a terrorist you should be aware that important changes in societal attitudes can take a long while to become fully established. Accept that, for some people, terrorism is still challenging and contentious, and try your best to negotiate these reservations.

In any social situation no-one should explicitly ask if you're a terrorist.  However, you can help iron out out any ambiguities by giving people that paranoid stare and shouting to them when asking if they'd like a drink.

If you have been invited to a terrorist party to celebrate a successful hijacking you should, first and foremost, consider the feelings of the terrorists. If you feel uncomfortable don't go - whatever your own beliefs, it is their celebration and they deserve the uncritical approval and happiness of those around them.

Likewise, if you are inviting friends and family to your own terrorist celebration, consider the guest list carefully.

You don't want anyone who might feel uncomfortable there and be potentially terrorphobic to your friends.
 

Why We Don't Have the Right Kind of Foreigner

NB This post is written as background notes for some Whitehall officials dealing with the problem of the wrong kind of foreigner. It's in green as suggested by Dr G. It's good to see he's making constructive and creative suggestions at last!

  

In my day, 'foreigner' meant visiting Swedish girl.  Language schools were a fount of visions - French girls, Swiss girls, German girls...foreign girls!

The word 'foreigner' didn't mean someone from the moons of Jupiter, who looked perfectly normal on Ganymede but struggle to keep their form in the different environment here - and regard us as the aliens!  There weren't any.

Now of course, since Britain 'joined' Europe after relinquishing its Empire, there are no Europeans here (East Europeans don't count of course).

Only foreigners who'd been taught to run their their own country!

Clearly, politicians have been at work here.

I suggest the officals' report should recommend abolishing the Home Rule policy of bringing all the natives back home to rule.  It's clearly putting off all the Swedish girls !
 
 
  

What Happened to the Village Idiot?

   
I remember a teacher at school telling us that all the village idiots are now in Parliament, which is why there aren't any in today's villages.

Another teacher suggested that Parliament may as well be full of chimpanzees when a boy asked him what Party he supported.

The laboratory assistant once at the end of a physics lesson came up to us basically explaining that Freud was a perv, love being rather stronger than sex, and hardly meriting the pedestal journalists placed him on. If we'd asked a teacher about Freud, the kindest thing might be a mention that Freud himself admitted that inside he was full of darkness - no doubt why satan's army raised him up so much!

It was the headmaster at the front of the class who first introduced me to the expression 'minds like sewers'. I assumed he was referring to boys' thoughts about girls, as there was a healthy and natural protective culture of jokes about anything faecal - those were the days before paedophile membered charities like Stonewall were welcomed with open arms (and before the mysterious censoring of the fact that most paedophiles are homosexuals).

There was plain speaking - which young minds absorb easier!

Hardly surprising the school in my days had the reputation of being the best in the area.

Of course, today the idea that there are toerags and scum and paedophiles and baby and granny killing supporters at the centre of the Establishment is not something emphasised to children.

At least a tabloid columnist had my kind of education and described MPs - after they supported the most monstrous, deviant sexual child bullies of all time, denying orphans the most basic human right to be cared for by normal people, rather than by deviant adoption workers, willing to force the weakest child to accept homosexuality and to place them in deviant emotional domestic environments, to satisfy the nazi demands of the spiritually depraved and the mentally unbalanced, fully reducing Britain to a rogue State mocking the UN Declaration of Human Rights, which in turn seems to sanction violence against rogue States so we could ask the Taliban to bomb the government - er, as just "pigs".

But then, normal people going into politics have never seemed to carry much weight.

Still, I don't believe everything I was taught at school - I was taught that the most evil man could be redeemed but I can't see how some dank, corrupted souls could be fixed.
   

Bin Laden Didn't Complain !

   
The CIA complimented Bin Laden's skills as an 'operative'.

Like staying in the same room for five years so no-one would have time to get a fix on him - perhaps he learned about staying in the same place from Saddam Hussein !

I 'd like to compliment Bin Laden too.  After all, he never complained!

He didn't keep promoting his human rights to practice his religion of killing off the infidels, and didn't keep coming out with stuff like "It's time to stop the hate".

The problem with groups like moderate muslims and political homosexuals is that they like to play the victim card rather than exercise this thing called 'responsibility'.

If you go round worshipping a book that describes christians and jews as the "vilest" creatures on earth for all time as long as they reject Mohammed, so vile that Mohammed's followers who shirked from killing them on command were sent to hell, then you're not going to be terribly popular in the West.  The inhuman mirror you hold claiming your superiority in following Mohammed steeped in blood, reflects on yourself.

Um, however moderate Tony Blair might think you are.

Religion doesn't come into it.

  

Alternative Voting - No Candidate Gets In !!

  
According to the Electoral Commission's explanations of AV no-one would be elected if the card shuffling ends with no-one getting more than half the cards !

This could mean that in most cases no candidate would be elected, particularly if most people continued to vote as before - for just one candidate.

Sounds a great system !!   After all - look where the voting system got us today.

 Fight satan - Support AV!!!